The Echo Of A Feather Fallen
by Featherwish
Summary: I am here to vex your dreamless sleep, Severus, to despise you in your weakness and find that I cannot. My memory is too good for that, I could never forget. Can you forget the first friend you ever had in a new life, Severus? Criticism appreciated!
1. Beginnings

_It is strange to see you like this. So helpless, skin as white as the sheet under which your thin frame lies buried. Even though you are plunged in dreamless sleep I think I can feel your resentment scorching me. Or is it the warmth of your feverish body, burning through the sheets?_

_Do not think this is any bit easier for me, Severus. It is not easier for me than for you. Not easier at all. _

_And I? Why am I here when it is so hard for me? _

_Do not think I am here out of the kindness you looked down upon, Severus. I am here to vex your sleep, although none of the nurses would ever suspect that to be the reason. An old school friend, I told them. I know you would approve of this lie, white as the sheets. I came here to despise you in your weakness because I failed to be able to hate you at home. I thought seeing your disgusting weakness now, after all that you have done, would cause this feeling in me. And did it?_

_I am old, Severus. Older than you think. Worn. I tried to hate you and failed, I tried to forgive you and failed. I tried to resent you and am not sure of my success even now. I know that you hate me, though, that every minute of my presence is unbearable for you in your weakness. That, at least, is a welcome reward. I resent myself for not being able to hate you properly, but I found that my memory is too good for it to work. And I still trust Dumbledore too much. _

_What about your memory? Is that where you are now, that you are not conscious? Are you trapped in your own memory, have you closed yourself in your own mind, Severus?_

_And what do you remember? Do you remember me, where you are? Or do you remember your own glory days, far away from this fragility? _

_In my minds eye, I can see myself like a stranger, looking back on the past which is so far away it has almost ceased being a part of me. Is that the same with you? Do you see yourself, another than you are now? _

_Do you remember your first day at Hogwarts, Severus?_

The dreaded day had come. In a rush and a dreamlike frenzy Remus and his parents had left their home and driven to King's Cross in the small car of his mother. It seemed too early to think. His father, who had packed him a small lunch and shoved it into Remus' hand, had looked at least as worried as he was, although he kept pressing his son's hand reassuringly even now. Ever so often, feeling the gaze of the boy upon his face, Remus' father would turn and smile at his son, who was sitting next to him in the back seat. Turning his head and looking up, Remus could see the concentrated eyes of his mother in the rear view mirror, flitting his way and that under the contracted brows.

A traffic light in front of them changed suddenly and his mother decided to wait instead of squeezing through.

'Are you alright back there, dears?' came the soft voice of his mother from the front seat. His father gave him an expectant look and Remus tried to smile.

'Yes, mother.' Silence fell again. His hand was hidden in the big, warm hand of his father who was sitting uncomfortably far away from him in the middle seat of the car. He was looking ahead sternly, his eyes fixed to the traffic ahead. Remus sighed and looked out of the window on his side of the car.

His brown eyes hanging on to each of the passing trees, trying to slow down the car by clinging to the trees with his eyes. It did not work, the car sped on unabated, flashing past muggle cars. Whenever his mother did a rather dangerous manoeuvre, his father's hand would grow tense around the Remus' hand.

Remus wanted to say something, but he could not think of anything to say. His brain was still fogged by sleepiness, and he felt that if he opened his mouth now, that aching thing which sat in his throat would leap out. He did not want to make his parents worry. Minutes passed, cars sped by.

The silence deepened between the three members of the family, a vast black gorge unfolding and wrapping each of them away from the other though in thick feather blankets which sucked in every sound.

Remus gave it another try. He looked up at the strained face of his father and took a deep breath. The strained profile of his father did not turn towards him, it stayed linked to the road ahead and he could see the little creases on his forehead and the thin, stern mouth. There was nothing he could say; his father would have to stay wrapped in his blanket for the moment.

'Be careful, love,' his father said in a voice of forced calm as his mother sped through a very small gap between a taxi and a huge bus.

'I am. I know what I am doing.' Said his mother, and there was an edge in the statement that made his father throw his head to one side quite moodily and look out of the window on the other side of the car, away from Remus. Remus, in turn, shrank back in his seat, pulling his head down between his shoulders. The feeling which had been growing in his throat was spreading all over his body now, making his nerves tingle and fizz with tension.

After twenty more painful minutes, the car pulled into a parking space. His father squeezed his hand and then got out of the car as quickly as possible, taking a deep breath of air as soon as he was outside. Remus fiddled with the safety belt and looked up to see his mother's eyes looking at him.

Suddely, creases appeared around them and Remus, frowning, remembered that she must be smiling. Her eyes stayed strangely serious, though.

'You'll like it. It is great fun, I promise. It was the happiest time of my life, in Hogwarts.' She said in her quiet voice. Remus forced a smile and nodded, opening the door next to him and setting one clumsy foot on the wet pavement. He looked up at the station and hunched his shoulders. He noticed that his father had already taken the trunk out of the back of the car and had left to get a trolley without saying anything.

Remus heard a sigh next to him and looked up, seeing his mother frowning after his father. She turned and closed the car with a flick of her wand, smiling at him.

'You really will. And you will not be the only ha- half-blood either,' she said warmly. Remus did not respond. He found he could not open his mouth, it as gagged by the space of silence that stretched between his father, returning now with the trolley, and his mother and him. He went over to his trunk and dragged it a few feet towards the trolley. His father nodded at him, lifted the trunk onto the trolley easily and started pushing it towards the entrance.

'Come on.'

Remus sighed and, as he felt the pressure of a hand on his shoulder, followed his father with his mother. He realised how they tried to stay closer to him all the time, at least as worried as he was. The high sky above them was leaden with dark clouds that bore down on them and dragged at their moods even more. The light turned everything into even colder colours than they were anyway.

With a growing lump in his throat, Remus walked through the doors of the station. He had never been in a place with so many people and felt exposed, open. Each of those uncovering looks of those around him seemed designed to make someone realise who he was any instant. What he was.

His father purposefully pushed the trolley towards the barrier without looking back, then turned towards his mother and him with a slightly pained expression. He made an odd gesture, his arms flapping open under his long, sad face and he knelt down like a crow swooping. Remus frowned, then recognised what he was to do and rushed forwards faster than he thought he would, hiding his face in his fathers neck as he felt the large arms closing over his back.

'You'll be fine, son. I am sure it is a very good school and that you will like it a lot and make lots of friends. Um.' It was obvious that he was trying to be kind, and the thing in Remus' throat bit at it from the inside and he felt wetness trickle down his cheeks, the thing tying his throat into a knot. He could only nod and cling to the huge frame of his father with both arms as hard as he could. After a long while, he felt a heavy pat on his back and his father got up, ruffling his hair as he did so.

'Good luck. I'll meet you at the car,' his father said to his mother and stepped aside. His mother gave him a warning look and forced a smile, then took the trolley and nodded towards the barrier.

'Come on then, love.'

Remus nodded, but was still not able to take his eyes off his father, whose own eyes were suspiciously red. He gave him a grim smile and waved, although he was only a few feet away from him. Remus nodded and dragged himself towards the barrier with leaden feet.

Suddenly he was on the other side. It was rather quiet here; only a few people were about, parents and their sleepy children with huge trunks just like Remus' own one.

'Come on, if you get on the train early, then you can pick your compartment. You'll have some time to yourself, then.' She smiled at him and he sighed. He knew it would be best if he took a compartment at the far back of the train where it was not likely he would meet anyone at all. It was not what his parents wanted, he knew that, but he also knew that at least his father thought it would be best if he did not get in contact with people at all.

Hanging his head he nodded and, spurred on by a sudden bite in his throat by the thing, he flung his arms around his mother's waist and quickly buried his face in her robes, closing his eyes. He wanted to stay here forever. Breathing in the hot air, he noticed her flowery scent, so familiar. Now, it made the thing inside him claw at his throat. Her hand settled on his head and stroked his hair briefly.

'Oh, look, there is another boy your age!' she said brightly. Quickly Remus stood away from his mother and turned to his trunk, but curiosity won. He turned and saw his mother waving at the mother of this boy, who nodded back, curtly. She was a tall woman in long, black robes with long, black hair and her thin, pale face did not look particularly pleased.

'What a surprise! I did not know you would be here. How is your husband?'

'Fine.' Was the dry reply and his mother must have noticed the tone as well, because she said,

'How they grow, ey? This is their first day at school, and it seems like only yesterday that they learned how to walk.' She put an arm around Remus and quickly pulled him to her side.

'Why don't you boys board the train and find a good compartment, mh?' She said brightly. Remus felt a sudden stab of resentment. He did not want to be send off with another boy, he wanted to stay here, with her, until the train was about to go and he had to run. He nodded, face glum. She kissed his hair and he shook his head away, knowing it would hurt her.

She responded by pulling him into a proper hug.

'See you in the holidays,' she whispered in his ear. 'Darling, I will miss you so much! Have fun, and behave. I love you!' he shook her off, unable to reply.

'See you too, mother.' He dared to croak and quickly grabbed his trunk, staring up at her.

'Very well, I'll leave then, mh? Better not let your father wait.' She planted a last kiss on his forehead and turned, unsteadily, her heeled feet suddenly threatening to trip on the stones, pushing the empty trolley in front of her.

This departure was oddly hurried, but he could see that his shoulders were shaking slightly. The other boy was talking to his mother in a quiet voice, his face much more serious than his own. He looked older than a first year, Remus thought. Clenching his teeth, he turned and made for the train with his trunk held firmly in a quickly aching hand, picking a compartment at the back of the train.

He settled in a corner by the window of the compartment and hid behind a book he had brought, afraid someone might come in. After some time, the train seemed to fill up and more and more voices, laughter and shouts came from the corridors through the glass doors of Remus' compartment. He pulled one curtain shut on one side of his realm, hoping it would hide the other side from view and therefore prevent people from coming and sitting here.

More and more minutes passed in the closed emptiness of the compartment. Remus eyes wandered from line to line without reading a word of the text in front of him. His teeth were still clenched and the thing in his throat was still biting at it. He seemed to have taken the coat of silence that had surrounded his parents with him and was now unable to shake it off, although they were no longer there. It was receding and left him feeling numb and strangely raw now, worse than when he had threatened to suffocate under the sensation.

With a series of loud thumps, the train began to move and soon sped towards the outskirts of London. Remus relaxed. Everybody surely had found a place by now, which meant he would stay here alone.

Suddenly, there was a noise closer to Remus and he jumped. A pale, black-haired head appeared and he recognised the boy he had seen on the platform. Without asking whether he was allowed to enter or not, indeed without casting a second glance at the other occupant, the boy dragged in his trunk, heaved it onto the seat opposite Remus and sat down next to him, on the other side of the compartment.

Strangely, although his privacy had been breached and invaded, he was strangely glad to have someone close by he would go to school with. Remus could feel his heart start to beat faster. The boy was rummaging in a leather bag he had brought and took out a book of his own. This was going to be one of his classmates, he needed to make a good impression on their first day.

'Hello, I'm Remus Lupin,' he said in what he hoped was a friendly voice. He was actually copying his mother's calm tones. 'And who are you?'

'Severus Snape,' came a quiet voice from the seat opposite. Now, the boy's dark eyes were resting on Remus who felt uncomfortable once again. He looked away shortly.

'Nervous?' he asked after a short, uncomfortable pause.

'No.'

'Oh. Me, neither. I'm actually looking forward to school,' he said.

'Yes. Me, too.' The boy, Severus, said in the same quiet voice, again looking at him from under a curtain of black hair. The boy kept looking him for a bit and then looked away, to the door, his eyes not returning to the book which was lying open on his lap.

'Are you from a Pure-blood family?' said Remus politely after another pause.

'No.' Said the boy curtly and Remus felt rising alarm at the thought this might have been an impolite question after all.

'Oh. Well, me, neither.' He said and smiled at the boy. The smile caused a small frown in the other boy, who said,

'Your mother or your father?' his dark eyes once more resting on the face of the boy in the opposite seat.

'My mother is a witch, my father is a muggle.' The boy's expression changed slightly. His eyes stopped narrowing and he shot Remus another brief look.

'Mine, as well,' he said and then leant back in his seat, turned and leafed through his book in search for his bookmark. Quickly, Remus dived into his own book again, feeling oddly happy.

They rode on in silence. The landscape outside became more and more jagged and dramatic, unnoticed by the two reading boys who were both buried in worlds of their own behind the covers of their book.

Suddenly, something exploded into the wall behind the other boy and Remus saw him jump. He lowered his own book and frowned. The boy had turned towards the wall and was eyeing it with an impassive expression. Behind the wall, people seemed to be fighting. There were thumps and bangs, something seemed to fall of the luggage rack, and someone burst into rakish laughter.

'You should have seen your face, Potter! That was _priceless_!'

Severus turned back from the wall, shaking his head and leafed through his book.

'I thought they were killing someone in there,' Remus remarked timidly, looking up only shortly.

'Yes,' the boy said quietly and without raising his eyes from his book. There was a pause. Then, quietly as before, 'Sounded likely, by the amount of noise.' His thin fingers were creeping over the pages in search for his bookmark.

Remus returned to his own pages and sighed happily. The anonymous space of the compartment and the silence had been transmogrified once more into something else. He did not longer feel separated by the silence as he had done in his parent's car, here, it was part of the agreement.

The unspoken agreement which always comes into existence whenever two souls happen to be in one place under extraordinary circumstances decreed that they felt a certain bond between each other, a benevolence towards the other without pretext. The first day at a boarding school certainly is such a special case.

This very bond caused that when the train stopped Remus waited for the other boy and they set out to whatever fate awaited them together.

_You seem to have forgotten it, and with you, I never know if you did so willingly or not._

_

* * *

_**Author's note**: Alright, this is my first fanfic ever, so I'd like tons of criticism. I know things like these have been done before, so if they have been done before ad nauseam, I'd like to know before I even get started. 

Then, I don't know if this isn't too clichéd as I am not too firm with the conventions of the genre. If it is, this is down by tomorrow and resubmitted as a one-short before you can say "crapfic!". I wouldn't like to take it down entirely, after all, it is my f_irst _fanfic. I have to have something to look back to and laugh about.

I know that you guys out there are bound to have read and written more fanfiction than I did, so please let me share your expertise.

- Featherwish


	2. Partings

_You look as though you are dead today, Severus. Are you playing at that? Do you think that looking like a corpse will drive me away? _

_Do not think so. _

_You look pathetic, your thin breast gently heaving up and down with each breath you take, your eyes stubbornly closed. How deep they lie in their sockets… they are almost entirely in shadow, do you know that? Your hair is sticking against your head because the nurses forgot to apply the cleaning spells to it today. It looks like usual, in other words. _

_Today, Tonks asked my why I keep visiting you and I told her I was trying to forgive you. I hate that you are making me lie to my wife, Severus. I should not, especially not for you, but I could hardly tell her the truth, could I? _

_Somehow, I am glad that you do not see me, I look older than you, and seeing your eyes would maybe make me angry. I would not want to be angry, not even for you. She is pregnant. Have I told you about that, about the loving family I have at home? Yes, a wife and, soon enough, a lovely child. And you, Severus? What about you? Do not think I do not know that the only person you ever considered yourself in love with has married someone else. You deserve it, Severus. _

_Someone from a better family. Oh, family was always very important to you, I know. _

'Oh, is that so, now, huh? And what about _you_?'

'Oh, we never had any muggles in the family. You can check it up on our family tree. What about you, uh, Peter?'

'Uh, I don't know, really.'

'You don't…? Oh, dear… Well, then you'll be in one house with _him_ and not with me, I assume.'

The group of boys which filed out of their compartment in front of them was trudging along very slowly and Remus and Severus were forced to slow down accordingly. Two of them were rather large for their age and had they not been talking about which houses they were likely to get in, Remus would have thought that they were second years. He tried to keep his distance from them, but students behind him were pushing him and Severus closer and closer to them.

One of the two tall boy, a dark-haired one with glasses, shoved the other boy against the wall of the train.

'Shut your face, Black!'

'Don't you push me, muggle-lover!'

The boy reacted by shoving him again. Remus exchanged a worried glance with Severus. These three seemed rather unpleasant, and if they reacted like that to "muggle-lover", then Severus and Remus had better not mention their own origin. Remus felt nervous. He wanted to get out of the train and away from them as fast as possible, especially since a large boy behind him was elbowing him forwards all the time.

'Move along at the front, there! What's keeping you! Bloody first years…'

'Shut up!'

'No, _you_ shut up! And move it, Potter! You're holding things up!'

'Oh, really?' The boys suddenly lunged at each other again, and, since they were passing a door, they were unceremoniously shoved out by the boy behind Remus, who only had to stretch out his arm and give them a small push.

All three of them tumbled out and landed on the platform, hard. Both of the fighters turned their heads and glared at Remus, who had gone red and tried quickly to get back into the train, but was shoved out, too, by the large boy behind them.

Before the boys, who had scrambled to their feet hurriedly, could vent their anger on Remus, however, the large youth had stood himself in front of the two and glared down at them.

'Bloody first years! Move yourselves to the boats and stop making such a bleeding' racket!' he growled at them, menacingly.

Glumly, shooting each other loathsome glances, they nodded and turned, trudging along the platform.

Remus had fled to one side of the train, glad no one had thought it had been him, after all. Now, he looked around and saw that Severus was heading vaguely in his direction. Remus was not sure if he should head in the same direction. He was not sure the feeble bond extended outside of the compartment. Here, it was all different.

Severus came to a halt next to Remus and looked up and down the platform.

'Shouldn't we follow a giant somewhere?' he said quietly.

'Yes, my mother said something along those lines,' Remus said, glad for the question. 'We should be able to see him, at least. Hard to overlook a giant.'

Severus merely nodded and looked up and down the station again. Remus felt a small twinge at the failed attempt to be funny. But then, it never worked. He bit his lower lip and craned his neck, briefly standing on tiptoe to see above the heads of the other students.

'I reckon you do not have to stand on tiptoe if he is really a giant,' said Severus.

'S'pose… still. There are so many people around…' Remus' voice trailed off. Truth was, he was beginning to feel panicky. It was so crowded around here already, it must be even worse in the castle. What if something happened? What if coming here had not been such a good idea after all? Brooding, his brown eyes searched the crowd, slightly hunching his shoulders. His eyes stole over to the other boy, whose impassive face was also scanning the crowd now. He must be as nervous as he was, Remus decided. After all, it was also his first day of school.

A large shape suddenly appeared on the other side of the platform and parted the sea of students.

'First years, this way!' a deep voice roared. Remus jumped inevitably. The man was enormous. He had never seen anyone this tall in his life. He could feel a cold shiver run down his spine as he saw how big the hands of the man were. This must be the gamekeeper his mother had told him about. Forcing himself to set one foot in front of the other, he followed the first years who trudged after the huge shape in small, frightened huddles. If he was in charge of the school's security, Remus mused, maybe it would not be dangerous for him to go at all, just like his mother had assured him… The thing in his throat, which had been quiet all the while on the train, stirred again and made his jaws ache. He turned his face and looked at Severus, who was frowning at the back of the gigantic man.

The man led them to the shores of a lake that was lying like a silver mirror under the cloudy, leaden sky. Small boats were bobbing up and down on it and seemed black against the silver surface of the lake. The clouds that were getting thicker in the distance obscured the other side. Remus stomach gave a lurch. It made him nervous he could not see their destiny.

'Get into the boats, everyone! No more than four in a boat' the man roared, and Remus caught a glimpse of his eyes. They were looking cheerful for some reason. He recoiled. The boats were looking very small and were rocking dangerously. The sky overhead was boiling with grey clouds. Remus resented boats. Taking a few very tentative steps on the gravel on the shore of the lake, he watched other huddles of first years get aboard in small groups and suddenly forgot all worry about the water and the giant due to the new and greater worry of not finding someone to share a boat with.

He looked round to Severus, who was still frowning and was looking at the small coracle-like vessels without great enthusiasm.

'Should we get in, you think?'

Severus shrugged and for a moment his eyes were looking into Remus' own ones with a serious expression.

'I think we'll have to.' They were strange eyes, they seemed to be totally black. Remus was sure it must be a trick of the light; his own eyes could appear black sometimes, in the right light. But Severus' were a whole lot darker than his. They were strangely dull in the blunt greyness and seemed to absorb the light eerily.

'Let's go. I don't fancy being left on the shore with him.'

'My mother told me he is not dangerous,' Severus informed him in the same quiet voice, his eyes fixed on the boats again.

'Hm, my mother said so, too, but…' Remus sighed. 'Let's go.'

They were nearly the last ones to get into a boat. Remus sat down opposite Severus and surveyed the shore. There were a few people milling around who had not been as lucky as Remus and had not found anyone to share with.

One of them was one of the boys from the train who had been too busy sulking to pick a boat and was now glaring at the other over crossed arms, then, realising he was nearly the last to leave, he looked around for a boat with a free space and headed into their direction.

_Did you forget it? If so, how could you forget it, your first day in this new life, this small birth?_

Remus heart began to beat faster as he saw the boy come closer, hoping fervently he would board another boat. He wondered why he had not noticed the curious hair before the other person had, it was fairly long and untidy. His eyes were narrowed and his mouth pressed to a thin, grim line, Remus noted as he stomped nearer and came to a halt in front of the boat next to them, sending small stones flying into all directions before clambering in without paying attention to the disgruntled look of the two girls inside the boat.

A small girl with red pigtails timidly came up to Remus and Severus' boats and asked if she could join them. Remus nodded and remembered to smile at her, but then turned around to get a look of the direction into which they would be heading.

This was uncomfortable, though, since it meant he had to crane his head around as he was facing the other direction. He turned his head this way and that to prevent getting a stiff neck. Remus did not feel like talking, although he knew that he better had. The others did not talk either, however, and once more, silence descended. Was that good or bad? He mused briefly, avoiding the eyes of the boat's other two occupants. The girl, small and thin with red hair, was looking hard at the other side of the lake ahead, so was Severus, both in a world of their own.

How did you make friends? He used to have friends when he was smaller, but that was a long, long time ago.

Remus wished the times in which you just had to walk up to someone, asking them, had never ended. Names, he had to remember the names of the people around him. Severus, he remembered. And the girl? Had she told them? The boys he wanted to avoid were called Potter, Black and Peter, although he could not remember who was who. The boat suddenly began to move and Remus felt a strange tingly sensation. He looked around at the water surrounding them in sudden alarm. What if they sank? The shores they had left were quickly gliding away from them.

The boats seemed to be fairly safe, however. They glided along quietly and without swaying. Remus felt marginally less uncomfortable. He cast a quick, interested look at Severus. The boy was looking ahead with a concentrated expression, scanning the other side of the lake. Suddenly, his black eyes widened and assumed a strange glitter.

Remus turned around clumsily in the boat to face the way they were going like his friends and suddenly, his vision was filled with the most magnificent sight. On the top of a high mountain ahead was the biggest castle he had ever seen. It winked through the thick mist and over the lake with golden, illuminated windows, its high towers seemed to poke at the clouds overhead, some were quite obscured by haze, so high up were they. Remus felt his jaw sinking down on it's own accord and hastily closed his mouth again. A strange, wild feeling was rising inside him and, together with the sensation of floating along on a boat, made his insides soar. They were going to live in this castle for the next seven years. It looked more magnificent than the tales of his mother could have ever painted it. Longingly, Remus looked towards the many windows and longed to be on the other side, bathed in that bright light. The tension inside him gave way to a sudden euphoric excitement that made a smile spread on his face.

'Is that it?' the girl asked.

'Yes.' Severus whispered, not taking his eyes off the castle. They were flitting this way and that over the towers, strangely dark in his pale face. Remus could guess that the strange feeling filling his own insides must be filling those of the other two, too. The girl was smiling absently as well, a fierce glow in her eyes.

Remus turned back to the castle and could not help staring at it until they vanished in a cave and everything was swallowed in blackness and glittering candlelight.

He exchanged a glance with the boy next to him and they both knew the other was as nervous as they were themselves. He smiled a quick smile at the boy that earned him a small nod.

'Nearly there, I hope…' Severus said in his quiet voice and his eyes were glittering up from under his hair in the candlelight. The silence had grown too heavy, even the quiet boy was compelled to speak. The din that wafted over from the other boats showed that the other children were feeling the same way.

'We should be,' Remus said. 'Which house d'you reckon you'll be in?' Remus asked. He meant the question to be directed to all occupants of the boat, but the girl was clearly lost in thought and did not even look at him. He realised it must look to her that he and the other boy knew each other already and were, well, a closed group. Maybe. He would think that, so maybe she did too. Severus' eyes lingered briefly on his face and then flitted to the water again.

'I don't know. My mother was in Slytherin, though, so I hope I'll be in there. What about yours?'

'Ravenclaw,' Remus said. 'I guess I'll be in that one. Well, to be honest, I don't really care about the house as long as the people in it are nice,' he added. 'I don't fancy being stuck in a house with a bunch of idiots for the whole of my time here.'

Severus nodded, his lip curling in a very small smile.

'Me, neither.' And he cast a look towards the boat with the still sulking boy with the long hair. A gust of unexpected chill made Remus pull his new robes around him more closely, snuggling into the new, crisp and slightly itchy cotton material of the robes.

'I wonder how that hat works,' Remus said, eager to keep the conversation alive as Severus' eyes had drifted off to other boats and over the cave again and the girl was still in a world of her own. Severus' dark eyes kept flitting this way and that on the cave wall as he answered.

'I don't know. There must be something of each of the founders in it, that's for sure. Maybe like a portrait or something. Just… in hat form.' His eyes came to rest on Remus' in a rather sharp, earnest look.

_How could you forget what was, that tentative beginning, or is it because it is the beginning of something which was over before it began?_

Remus made to say something, but the boats had stopped. His heart began pounding in his chest again. They were about to enter the school and be sorted under the eyes of all the students. The infinite numbers of possibilities to make a fool of himself! Growing nervous, he tried to exchange another look with Severus but he was looking earnestly at the giant who was leading the way with a lantern now.

They climbed out of the boats carefully and after having been carried here for so long it felt odd to be left on his own feet again. Unsteadily, he followed the other students, staying close to Severus. The girl, in turn, stuck to them, although she still did not speak. She looked rather pale.

They were told to wait in an antechamber and subsequently greeted by Professor McGonagall, who had been brought along by the Headmaster as he had visited his parents to talk about the possibilities and problems of sending him to Hogwarts. She scanned the crowd until she saw him and nodded. Then, she told them about the house system and told them to wait. The red-haired girl had vanished from their side and joined a couple of other girls close by, Remus noted. He looked round to Severus, who was standing a short bit away from with his hands in the pockets of his robes.

He watched Remus approach with a very grave expression. Remus smiled at him, and, after a short pause, the other boy said,

'I wish they'd get on with it.' His voice was tense.

'Me, too. Although I … I don't know. I don't like the idea of being sorted in front of the whole school.'

Severus did not react in response to this, his eyes were pinned to the door behind which their teacher had vanished.

'Hey, wouldn't it be great if we ended up in the same house?' Remus heard himself ask. He was shocked. He had thought that, but that was no reason to go and blurt it out!

Severus' dark eyes were slightly rounder in surprise, then, an odd expression entered his face, his eyes narrowed again, but this time, they were glinting slightly and his lip curled again.

'Yes, that… would be good.' He said. The sentence hung in the air. Remus did not know what to say next, so he just smiled and, to cover his embarrassment and the tension that was filling him, he looked at the door again.

After a while it opened and the Deputy Headmistress emerged and led them into the hall. Remus made sure he stayed close to Severus, suddenly fearing to be separated from him by the other students filing into the hall. He was so preoccupied in sticking to the back of the other boy in front of him that he was the last student to notice the splendour of the Great Hall. He allowed himself a short look around, then quickly made sure he was close to Severus again.

Professor McGonagall was standing next to a small stool already on that the sorting hat sat. Remus could not see it properly because a girl was standing in the way, but he was not all too keen on seeing it, either. He did not want to be here. The sea of students in front of them all had their eyes on them and leered at them from the safety of their accustomed places at their house tables. Remus felt exposed, odd. He edged towards the other boy and found that Severus had been moving into his direction as well. It did not take long until they were huddled together, defiantly peering out at the other students.

Remus strained his ears as Professor McGonagall kept calling out names. What if he missed the point when she called his name? What if she had to call him over and over again until he had to run up to her under the booming laughter of the entire school? He bit his lips, feeling pale and exposed. A side-glance showed him that Severus' expression was oddly vacant, his skin even paler than before. They were standing side-by-side now, and so close that Remus could feel the warmth of the other boy through his robes. It was oddly reassuring.

'Lupin, Remus!'

'Good luck', came a sudden, pressed whisper from Severus as he turned towards the stool and the hat with wide eyes, and he thought he could see the earnest eyes of his friend on his before the brim of the hat obscured them. He felt terrified as it started talking to him, enquiring after his mother cheerfully and finally reaching the decision that Gryffindor would be best for him.

Remus got up from the stool and saw to his utter dismay that the loud boy with the unkempt long hair was sitting at the Gryffindor table, looking murderous. He forced himself to walk towards it with a sagging feeling and sit down on the other side, politely answering his fellow Gryffindors as they welcomed him into their ranks and then immediately craning his neck to see where his friend was.

After an eternity, and to his greater dismay, they were first joined by "Pettigrew, Peter" and then, even worse, by "Potter, James". The three boys sat at the table with crossed arms and glared, looking at each other with unconcealed contempt, much to the amusement of their fellow Gryffindors.

Heart pounding, Remus waited. It could not be long now, could it? Why did his friend's name have to begin with such a stupid letter…but there.

'Snape, Severus.' He held his breath and crossed his fingers, feeling tingly with tension as he watched his friend put the hat on his head.

'Slytherin!' it was like being plunged into the waters of the lake belatedly. His face fell and a knot tied his throat shut so tightly that he felt as though he was suffocating. Lead filled his stomach, spreading like ink in water. Hanging his head, he saw his friend cross the hall, heading to the Slytherin table. He then turned and looked at his fellow Gryffindors. They were still glaring at each other. Remus sighed.

_Yes, the sorting. Was it that important? We all thought it was… but was it? Maybe we should have tried to take that first cut less seriously. There was such a lot of time our houses spent together in class, and such a lot of time when we worked together, in the beginning. _

_But that was then. It was before._


	3. Alliances

_Good morning, Severus. The nurse has just been here to feed you. It was strange to see her force-feed you spoonful after spoonful of potions that are to ensure that you do not starve and potions against pain. Were they to your taste, Severus? _

_Personally, had it not been for the used-by date which was last Monday, I think they were excellent. Did you hear me? Yes, last Monday. I believe the individual contents must have been deteriorating already, loosing their healing powers and turning into something quite different. The new mixture of the old ingredients certainly must have a rather interesting effect on your body, I think I will sit here and watch. I know that we were always warned never, ever to use old healing potions and I am curious to find out why. _

_You do not believe me, do you? It is a shame you are a Potions Master. _

_Oh, there comes the nurse. She smiles at me and nods at you, so let me just- _

_There, see? What a picture, it is almost sickening. The old, true friend at the bed of his fallen companion, holding his hand in support. Do not think I do not notice the thin frown that stretches over your forehead. How delightful! You do notice the things that are going on around you! That is very good news indeed. I was getting scared I might be wasting my time, talking to myself here, but I think you must be lost in reverie once more. _

_So was I, this morning. I, not having the luxury of being able to stow away whatever I find unpleasant or puzzling to the extent of being annoying in a Pensieve, have been forced to remember and think about something the whole day. _

The first weeks were hard for Remus. Becoming used to sleeping in a room with the other boys turned out to be hard. He regretted the fact that Severus was not in his house more and more. It would have been good to have an ally around, especially against the other three boys. Peter was quiet and easy enough to tolerate, but Sirius and James were constantly at each other's throats. Sirius especially was not easy to stand, as he told everyone over and over again that he had been sorted into the wrong house.

Remus felt oddly out of place among these boys, he did not understand their interests very well and could not see how they were motivated at all. Every day started with him getting up first and sneaking out of bed, dressing quietly and going down to breakfast alone. When he got up, there was hardly ever anyone in the Great hall and he spent the time reading quietly or doing his homework until the other students started pouring in. He generally fled to the library then, until classes began.

Sometimes, Severus would also be up this early, he could see him at the Slytherin table, then, as alone as he was, reading or eating alone. Sometimes, they would nod at each other over the empty other tables. They barely every exchanged a word other than a short greeting nowadays, although they did work together in classes sometimes, when working in pairs was necessary.

Remus hated working in pairs. There was always that second in which everybody turned and looked for a partner, and there was always that strange vertigo-like feeling of not being able to find anyone. Almost frantic, everybody would turn to their half-known neighbours during these first days, eyes anxiously looking for the sign that the other was willing to comply to the new partnership.

There was no such partnership between Remus and Severus now. They were in opposite teams, although Severus' team seemed to be far more team-like than his own. Remus felt detached in his own house, there was no one he could talk to. Here, in this new world, the equal mixture of worlds which had made up his youth were polarised into one side, the rest cut off, not cared for, unknown to most people, for the moment.

The other three boys were all from ancient wizarding families, it seemed, two of them, Peter and James, had never even seen a Muggle and had the strangest ideas about what Muggles did. Remus felt embarrassed whenever they talked about Muggles and avoided them. He wished he would also belong to an ancient wizarding family, just like them and avoided them even more.

At the end of the second week at Hogwarts this was going to change. It had been a rather uneventful day for the boys. James had been bored all evening after doing his homework, trying to beat up Sirius twice - which had not worked because they were about as strong as the other and because they had been caught by Professor McGonagall in the end.

Now, perched on his own four-poster, he kept looking over to the silent boy in their midst. After a while, he started pacing the room until a thrown sock form Sirius, who was reading on his bed, stopped him in his tracks.

He considered this. They had already been told off once today and would have to sit detention tomorrow with the stern young professor, James did not fancy doing any more lines. He decided to ignore this thrown gauntlet and find other means to entertain himself. He resumed his turn about the room when another pair of socks plopped against his forehead. He turned, glaring. His opponent was sitting on his own bed, shooting him a calculating look. James glared back and turned. Uninvitedly, he went over and sat down on the third boy's four-poster.

Remus had sat on his bed, half obscured by the curtain, reading, as James decided to colonise one end of his bed, at first just sitting there, trying to read the title of his book by craning his head upside down, then sitting still and staring at him. He did not know what to do, so he just sat there, waiting for James to lose interest and go away again. James, however, was always hard to get rid of when he had something on his mind.

'Remus, I don't really know anything about you because you're always in the library and always really quick at meals and all that. But we are in one house, and this is supposed to be our family, so I feel I ought to know at least some stuff about you,' James had said in the slightly petulant voice he assumed, as Remus would find out years later, when he was uncertain about what to say and was reciting a prepared text. The "family" part he had said with a slightly elevated voice and Sirius had let out and exasperated sigh and thrown himself on his back in his four-poster.

Remus, no longer able to pretend that he did not even realise the other boy was there, shot him a glance over the cover of his book, only his eyes appearing above it.

'Oh,' he replied in a very small, almost reedy voice, blushing at the sudden attention. 'Uh, I see. Um. What do you want to know?'

James dark brown eyes lit up. It was obvious that he considered this to be a personal triumph, but then he suddenly frowned. He did not really have any idea what to ask next.

'Um... Do you like Hogwarts?' he said doubtingly after a pause, during which Remus' eyes had stayed locked in his patiently.

'Yes,' Remus said, still looking at James expectantly. The boy looked round for support. Peter, who had been pretending to be doing his homework on his own bed, had sidled over and sat down next to James. Remus felt uneasy due to the sudden interrogation. He shifted uneasily, wishing they would find something else to do, soon. He tried to avoid their eyes, not knowing what to say to them.

'Where do you live?' Remus' gaze shifted to the other boy.

'Uh, do you mean at home?' Peter frowned deeply at this,

'Well, yes, what do you think? I know that you live _here_ at school!' James let out a loud, unpleasant snort of laughter at this that made Remus jump.

'I see. We - that is, my mother, my father and me, we live in London.'

'Ah, I see,' said Peter. 'Close to Diagon Alley?'

'N-not really. The house belongs to my Dad, it's close to where he works.'

'Where does he work?'

'He works in a bookshop.'

'Ah. Flourish and Blotts?'

'No.'

'What's it called?'

'The Aquarium.'

'Hm, never heard of that one.'

'It's… not a bookshop you would know.'

'Oooh, is it one of those places that sell books on dark magic and all?'

'Uh, not really. They do sell books on Tarot cards and crystals and stuff, though. And books with recipes.' Remus felt himself blushing. He felt he was concealing just as much as he could, one more question and he would have to reveal his guilty little - one of his guilty little secrets. His eyes dropped and he sighed, feeling a weight inside his stomach once more.

'Uh, you don't like it there?' said James, noting the change in the small boy's face.

'Yes,' whispered Remus behind his book, the words barely audible. 'Yes, I do.'

'Well? Then what's the matter?'

'Uhm... oh, nothing. What do your parents do?'

'They work for the ministry,' James said importantly. 'Both in the Department for Law Enforcement.' Peter gave him an acknowledging look at that and James smiled at him.

'I see. Sounds… very interesting.'

'Oh, it is, it is, they have to do lots of really dangerous things, they...' and he started telling them harrowing tales about his Mum and Dad, how they had battled all sorts of dark magicians and Remus felt tides of relief washing over him. James seemed to have lost interest in his story after all and by now surely was lost in the tale of his parent's achievements.

'Hang on, where in London is this shop?' came a sharp voice from the bed on the other side of the room after five minutes of monologue from James. Remus looked away shortly, then said quietly,

'In Camden.' This, for a short moment, did not get a reply, but James and Peter saw that Remus looking very worried all of the sudden and watched him with interest. Suddenly, Sirius clambered out of his bed and came over to them, arms crossed, his grey eyes boring into Remus', who seemed to grow even smaller in his bed.

'Isn't that a Muggle-part of London?'

'Yes…' Sirius looked at Remus with a calculating expression.

'Does that mean that is a Muggle shop?' Remus hung his head. The inevitable was bound to come out.

'Yes,' he said very quietly and looked round at their faces to see the reaction Remus felt the blush even now as he remembered how piercing their eyes had become, x-raying him with their looks as if looking for a cue which gave away his heritage.. Peter was frowning in a mixture of puzzlement and curiosity, James was torn between something akin to contempt and awe, Sirius was just glaring.

'Does that mean you are a Muggle?' he said in a cold voice.

Remus' throat was so dry he could not speak, so he merely shook his head.

'Whatever, Half-blood?' Remus nodded cautiously. Sirius just stared at him for a while, uncertain about what to do, the other two watching him. Then he shuddered ostentatiously and glared at Remus.

'Well, that was to be expected in this house, wasn't it?' he snarled and turned round, flung himself onto his bed and shut the curtains as haughtily as he could.

Remus had hung his head and looked away. After a moment, James had spoken up again, his voice suddenly less petulant and enthusiastic.

'Does that mean one of your parents is a _real_ Muggle?'

Remus nodded, his eyes flitting back to this other boy's face.

'Your Mum or your Dad?'

'My father.'

'With real uh, non-existent magical powers?'

Remus nodded again and felt compelled to add,

'And he hates broomsticks.'

'Really? Well, he would, he can't fly, can he?' Now, this was somehow against the family honour.

'Well, he can, only that he can fly one of those tiny planes.' This met puzzled looks.

'A… small plane? You know?' They shook their heads. 'You must have seen them, they look a bit like... uh, birds I suppose? Just made from metal?'

'Oooh, those,' Peter said after a while. 'I've seen one of them once. They are huge! I never knew what they do with them!'

'Well, they are a bit like... a bus,' Remus hoped, never having been in one of the huge planes himself. The small plane his father sometimes flew was rather uncomfortable and bound to be different from the big ones. James considered this.

'Well, you have to have them, not having brooms,' he conceded. 'And your Dad flies around in his plane when he goes to work?'

'No, he only does that on holidays. My Dad doesn't - Muggles don't have their own planes. They are far too big. They only have cars,' Remus said.

It was dangerous, this sort of attention. On the other hand, it might take their thoughts of other matters that were also rapidly approaching as the days quickly succeeded each other in a routine of lessons, homework and meals.

_How did your housemates react when they found out? I expect they took it worse than me. But then, you had the advantage that your mother was a rather accomplished Potions expert; there was no arguing in that. And the Princes were one the most ancient wizarding families, so there was nothing to be feared from that side. I don't know what you told them about your father, though_.

_Well, considering what happened later, it seems all too obvious now. _

His housemates interest meant they treated him like a curiosity now and would come and ask him more and more questions about the life of a Muggle, as though his father was an alien pet his mother and he were keeping in their house. He also realised that whenever they were practicing a spell under the stern eyes of Professor McGonagall, they suddenly all three looked at him with interest, seeing what he would do. Whenever this happened, Remus would blush and lose his concentration and immediately get things wrong.

Still, he could see that there was something between them now, too, their team was on the way to grow into a team, it seemed to imply. James treated him as though he knew him well, so did Peter. Sirius avoided him with contempt, but, Remus thought, maybe that had had to happen. For Sirius, families were more important than houses, for James and Peter, it seemed to be the other way round. And still, there was a certain familiarity in his behaviour towards him too, Remus felt. Special circumstances forge special bonds between people, and you cannot share a room with someone for three weeks and not know them, not know things about them that constitute bits of their personality.

Since James and Peter were working together and Sirius made it all too plain that he had no intentions of working together with a Half-blood, Remus was still always anxious about working in pairs. Severus seemed more and more attached to his own housemates and worked together with another Slytherin in class, a rather huge and bulky youth.

Still, he was also always the first at breakfast and also hurried into the library when the other students stampeded into the Great Hall.

One day in the third week, rain was lashing against the high windows of the library and the whole castle was filled with a blue, unearthly gloom, Remus decided to try and talk to Severus, who was sitting at a table in the library without reading a book. Remus took his pile of books and quietly sat down next to Severus, who looked up in surprise and nodded at him, immediately lowering his eyes to the top of the table again.

'Hello,' Remus whispered. Severus looked up, probed him with his dark eyes, and nodded again.

'How do you like it so far?' Remus whispered. Severus looked out of the window for a moment, then rested an earnest look on Remus' face.

'Quite alright, I suppose...,' he said. The other boy nodded and briefly ordered the stack of books in front of him, bringing all their backs to one line with two hands.

'I wish I could have avoided telling them about father, though,' he blurted out. Severus eyes had assumed a very careful look and his mouth was thinner than before.

'Yes. Me, too,' He said, but his eyes were strangely stern. Remus recoiled a bit and decided to voice something else that had been on his mind lately.

'I wish I was also from an ancient wizarding family, just like them,' he said, thinking of the looks they gave him whenever he attempted a new spell. Severus' eyes curiously lit up at the thought and for a moment, he looked absent. Then, his lip curled into a very small, strange smile on his face.

'Yes, me, too,' he admitted, the smile still on his face.

'They can be really funny about it,' he said; glad to have found someone to tell this to. 'As though they have never - well, they have never seen a Muggle before. It's really strange.'

'Well, they are wizards. _WE_ are wizards now, I suppose we have to get used to being like that as well,' Severus said earnestly and Remus nodded.

'True. Real wizards probably think that way about Muggles,' he added, not feeling quite on the same level as his illustrious housemates.

'We will be real wizards, too, shortly,' Severus said earnestly. 'It is just a matter of getting used to, I guess. And it's not really hard to share their sentiments about _Muggles_,' he added, the inflection on the last word very strange. Remus frowned, and then suddenly smiled.

'Hey, you are doing well already. Yes, true. Muggles are really strange,' he attempted, then frowned at himself. 'Will take some time for me, I suppose,' he added and looked at the other boy again, whose dark eyes had assumed a cheery glint.

_Do you even remember that conversation? Probably you chose to forget it, did you not, Severus? It would be strange for you to remember anything of your non-pureblood past. You always considered yourself an honorary pure-blood, I know that. _

* * *

**Author's note:**

Thanks to my two single readers, Lance and Whitehound for reading this, and thanks to my Beta, Rebecca.

Is this boring? I know it does not work as a fanfic the way I wanted this to, and I have the feeling that it is too fast-paced in terms of the developing relationship of the boys and too slow in terms of story writing.

As always, I'd be grateful for criticism.


	4. Scales Tipped

_A very inopportune moment, I see. The kind nurse has washed you, but she has not dressed you again; some sort of accident happened, she rushed past me as I came in, in a very great hurry. Well, well. I expected this would happen one day, so here we are. _

_How do you like that, Severus? A stranger standing in front of your bed, surveying your naked body, exhibited in this white bed, without you being able to do anything about it? _

_What is that, is that a blush? Seriously, either I am imagining things, or you are blushing. Yes, your cheeks are definitely getting slightly pinker. And you are frowning. _

_Your body is even paler than your face, and should you ever wake up again, you should definitely eat more, you are just skin and bones, your ribcage strangely standing out, folding the skin around the bones. And your hips! Goodness, I never knew a hipbone could be so pointy. I feel strange, holding this monologue to a naked person. Well, nothing compared to your feelings for this matter, I presume. Still, nobody, not even you, after all this, should be reduced to this. _

_Your legs are almost as thin as your arms, did you now that? That leaves your knees standing out slightly knobbly. Odd. Your feet look old. That is not your fault, but they do, again, the bones stand out under the skin, leaving the skin stretched over them. They look quite disgusting, you know, but I have always found that. Feet are ugly. And your arm... I had always wondered what the mark on your arm would look like, but I cannot see it. Well, I assume it must have been unpractical to have a large, black tattoo on your arm all the time, I suppose it is invisible? Must be. It's not there. _

_That leaves me with the one area my chastity has forbidden me to look at before. It is not modest to look at another man's most private zones, so I blush as I do now, and it is terribly improper, but somehow, I cannot tear my eyes away, as it happens in these strange situations. Somehow, although I do not have a problem withnuditymyself - well, I would not, under the circumstances, but the knowledge of your feelings on the matter make me blush. Strange, is it not? That another man's modesty should prevent me from doing what my own would allow?_

_See, I can even touch your skin. It is far softer than I had expected, somehow. Ah, goose bumps and another frown on your forehead. To tell you the truth, I think you must feel a bit like I felt when you found me in my office the first time I used the Potion you brewed me, sane, but naked and asleep, after the transformation. Then, I am embarrassed about being naked. _

_You frown even more and I think I can feel your glare reach me through your closed eyelids, so strong is it. It is not kind of me to do this. _

_Well, other things were not kind of you. _

_Your expression is so strange as I do that, as though I was dragging a red hot poker across your bare chest. Surely such a soft touch cannot hurt you truly? And yet, the mere pressure of my fingertips on your chest seems to burn you. Maybe they should have put a "do not touch" sign on top of you. _

_See, the blanket is back. Oh, how inconsiderate. You cannot see. But you feel it, without a doubt, as the frown on your forehead recedes just a little. I can guess what the others would have done to you, but something in the way your naked body glares at me and the thought how my looking at it must burn it is forbids me to do anything. _

_Strange, is it not? Typical for me, still. I am sure you think so, too. I can't even get this right. I can only imagine what you would have done, were our positions exchanged. Oh, wait - you would not even have been here, I assume. You would have been triumphing alone, without ever coming here to triumph over me. Or would you? You would have come. But only once. _

_And I? I thought my feelings would change if I could see you, miserable as you are, and yet, even in this state, there is something that prevents me from doing what others would do. I cannot believe I am losing a battle against an unconscious man... but then, your unconsciousness means you are in so many ways untouchable. That is the rule. Not the fallen enemy, not the fallen. And you are too much my enemy not to respect that rule, Severus. _

_My enemy, yes. _

_"Who wants to see me take off Snivelly's pants?"  
And how did we get there? There must have been a single moment which tipped the scales, a second of transition from being on your to being on their side?_

_The sorting was an important moment for that, it made us part of different teams, only that in the beginning they hardly were teams, and I, for my part, hardly cared. The others - now, that is a different matter, though. There must have been one moment that decided the matter for me. Teams. Curiously, they are always important for someone. Did you notice that? _

_Do you know what I suspect, Severus?_

Nearly half the year was over and Remus still could not help feeling as though he had arrived only yesterday. The castle was hard to get to know, everything was permanently changing, confusing and irritating him. He never knew which direction he would end up in if he took a turn. Unfortunately, this went for the castle and it's moody architecture as well as for the social structures that were unspokenly forming around him. It was hard to see them, but he could not help feeling that there were attachments and alliances forming he had never suspected.

In class, he was still working alone most of the time, or, if the teachers did not allow it, with one of the Gryffindor girls who was, as he found out, muggle born and rather good at school. She did not seem to like him particularly, but she was a great partner to work with and so he did not mind that she was just a girl. Severus had stuck to his Slytherin friend.

In his own dormitory, things were still as they had been. James and Sirius treated the other with indignant resentment. Peter and James were always seen together, but when he watched James telling Peter things and Peter always sitting and listening rather than sharing stories of his own, Remus could not help suspecting that Peter was at times tagging along out of the same sense of social vertigo Remus could not help feeling - without a friend to stick to, you were alone.

Remus did not mind that so much between classes, but in class he often felt that there were laws he did not even suspect. The teachers seemed to think that friendships would just _happen_, allowing everyone to work together with someone on a permanent basis, to sit with them on a permanent basis. Remus knew this was not true for all of the class and he wondered that the teachers never took that into consideration. There were always people who were left over, left out. It seemed strange that such a lot of the school's internal structure seemed to depend on working in groups, in teams, when truly there were no such groups.

The houses _seemed_ groups, but under the surface of the same colours and scarves, it all fell apart and formed a jumble of intricate networks of likes, dislikes, admirations, acquaintances and social bonds which were impossible to see through. The Slytherins seemed to be a group, but then, could Severus' Slytherin friends ignore the other's background? The boys were not that different, but there were bound to be differences similar to those of Remus and the other boys.

Remus's hair was one example it was shorter than that of his housemantes; Sirius had pointed out how silly he thought it looked. Sirius and Peter had rather long hair and had told a sneering James that it was more traditional. The Slytherin boys all had rather long hair, apart from Severus, whose haircut was more like Remus's own, and Goyle's. Then, theyall dressed differently. Whereas Remus had brought trousers and sweaters to wear under his school robes which his father and mother found impractical, the others wore the robes only, and in their free time apparently only wore robes, too. Also, strangely, for them, the school with it's big dinners and lots of choices and the dirty clothes which were taken away over night and washed by house-elves, were apparently not up to the standards Sirius and Peter were used to from home, where they apparently were free to choose what they would have to eat every day. For them, school life was a rather Spartan life-style that had to be endured until the next holidays. What they told about their life at home made Remus regret his mother never purchased a house-elf.

He was not sure that similar structures could be found in Slytherin, that the same differences existed there, as they seemed more unified than his own house. And yet, he saw Severus working together with his Slytherin friend, but also saw him roaming the corridors alone most of the time. More and more often, he wished he could be in the other house rather than in Gryffindor. Here, he was alone, in the other house; maybe he could revive whatever there was between Severus and him. He wished this would be possible as things were, but the barrier posed by the other colour, the other table, and the other friends were walls he could not climb.

At times, it seemed almost silly to him, especially when he saw the behaviour of the older students who fully identified themselves with and prided themselves to be in their respective houses. Sirius seemed to see the matter in a similar way, and, Remus realised, so did James and Peter. Quidditch was another example. Remus could not really say he cared all too much. It was rather interesting, and he knew that his mother always followed the league, but at the same time, it was hard to develop real enthusiasm. Sirius displayed mild interest, but James and Peter were absolutely crazed about Quidditch, and so were most of the other students.

As the Quidditch season drew nearer, the tension in the common room grew daily. Last year had ended in a nasty defeat; Gryffindorhad lost the Quidditch cup to Slytherin because they were a mere ten points ahead. Ten points! If it was possible to trust the heated voice of the captain, they had won those ten points in a game against Ravenclaw - through a foul. The weather had been so bad the referee had not seen it, and thus, it had counted. The enmity between the two captains became more and more heated everyday and infected the rest of the house, gradually even seeping down and reaching the first years.

Remus had looked forward to the first game, and did find it rather exiting to watch his house's team play Slytherin, watch them zoom around the pitch, but somehow, he could not really understand the fierce passion with which the others seemed to feel each goal scored against them and each bludger which hit a team member personally, reacting to every move the teams made. When the Slytherin seeker caught the snitch, the mood in the crowd was terrible. Suddenly, Remus seemed surrounded by a mass of outraged or despairing people, who either punched the stalls to let out their emotions or booed at the top of their voice, leaving him, who stayed calm, bobbing in their midst like a bubble on a torrent.

After the match, the tension between the houses was turned into a full-fledged enmity. The Slytherins sneered at the beaten Gryffindors, and several times the two Quidditch captains had been sighted hexing each other in the corridors and had nearly both been suspended from playing in the next games. The house members followed suit. Slytherins and Gryffindors called each other names whenever they bumped into each in the corridors, and more and more often, students of both houses rather _chose_ bump into another student if there was a chance rather than evading them. This kind of behaviour was catching like the flu and soon, more and more Gryffindors chose to crash into Slytherins whenever they met them in the corridor and the Slytherins hurried to extend the same courtesy.

James had bumped into Severus several times, a fierce expression of glee on his face, and did so now, causing the smaller boy to loose his bag. Quills and parchment spilling all over the corridor, passing students stepping on stray parchments and avoiding spilled ink. The Gryffindor snarled that he ought to be careful with a barely concealed grin. Severus had pretended to ignore him, swooping down to pick up his things without looking at James. The Gryffindor had glared at him with satisfaction, shoved the tall Slytherin boy out of the way and had strutted down the corridor, and yet Severus had a livid look on his face as he clambered around to collect his things. After a moment's consideration, Remus bowed down and started picking up Severus' stuff with him, flushing slightly as he did so, well aware that there were onlookers.

'That git!' theother Slytherin had commented, glaring at Remus who was scrambling around, picking up a stack of parchments. The boy, Goyle, Remus remembered, bowed and started collecting Severus' quills, his expression murderous. Severus, hand outstretched to pick up a rolled-up parchment, stopped in his tracks and stared at the other Slytherin in surprise, his eyes assuming a curious expression. He did not look at Remus.

'Bloody Gryffindors,' Goyle grunted as he had to avoid a fifth year's foot as he reached out to pick up a book.

Severus looked up, his eyes had an earnest expression as they settled on Remus's for a moment. Remus looked at the other two boys, and his eyes were drawn inevitably to their green ties. His head drooped.

'Sorry about that,' he said and handed Severus the pile of parchments. Severus eyes stayed earnest.

'Thank you, Remus,' he said quietly. Remus eyes lit up and he smiled briefly before he turned. He felt the other Slytherin's eyes rest on him briefly as he started walking down the corridor. Before he turned the corner, he looked back and saw the other Slytherin handing Severus a stack of books and a few rolls of parchment. Severus smiled up at him and thanked him,Goyle said something and Severus grinned briefly. It was as though whatever Remus had felt he was disturbing was now somehow private again. As he left, he saw out of the corners of his eyes how other Slytherins arrived, meeting with the two, and heard how the four started abusing the Gryffindors heartily. Remus turned into the empty corridor and set off for the Great Hall.

The sun shone blindingly through the enchanted ceiling, the light that reached the tables and students almost white. The air was strangely stale and it was hot. Remus lingered on the doorway, but then entered. A nagging feeling in his chest had made him decide he wanted to eat with his own housemates for a change and looked up and down his house table. Small creases appeared on his forehead. Sirius was sitting on one end of the long table, James and Peter on the other; a dozen students were dotted between.

Two options. James, who was apparently deep in conversation with Peter and still looked glum, or Sirius, who had called him a filthy Half-blood only this morning. Remus shoulders sagged, but, with another look at James and Peter, he made up his mind and he walked towards Sirius with a sinking feeling in his chest.

The tall boy was eating, his grey eyes fixed on his plate. An unopened letter was lying next to his plate, Remus noted as he sat down, glad that the other boy did not look up and shoo him away immediately. He was just heaping potatoes on his plate as the other boy did look up.

'What are you doing here?' was his cold comment.

'I thought... well, I was hungry. And you?' the grey eyes narrowed.

'Is this table not big enough for you or what?' Remus sighed softly.

'Oh, did you receive a letter from home? You're lucky. My parents haven't been in touch for a while,' he said, without adding that his father did not write because he would not and could not use the owl, who hated him, and his mother was too busy. Sirius expression darkened even more at this brave attempt of small talk.

'Not exactly any of your business, is it?' he snarled. Remus jumped slightly, but bravely kept putting Brussels sprouts next to the potatoes.

'How did you like the game? Pretty interesting was it, wasn't it?' Sirius looked puzzled, then frowned again.

'It was great. Especially how Gryffindor was flattened by Slytherin,' he added, a savage grin playing around his lips. Remus knew that this was the reason why James was in such a foul mood. They had been fighting over this ever since the match ended, Sirius sporting a black eye because he had been the only supporter of Slytherin in the Gryffindor stands, cheering at the entirely wrong moments in the eyes of the others. Why he had not gone to the Slytherin stands Remus could not understand.

'Yes, their team is really good,' Remus conceded cautiously.

'Typical for a bloody Half-blood! You do not have an ounce of pride and loyalty for your house in you, do you?' Sirius flared up. Remus frowned at him.

'Do you?'

'Don't you dare! Are you trying to have a go at me because I got sorted into the wrong house?'

'No, I was just wondering, because you do not seem to like Gryffindor that much.'

'That is something entirely different!' Remus stayed silent for a while under the glare of the other boy and ate his sprouts with reddening ears.

'Maybe you could talk to Professor McGonagall,' he said after about ten minutes of sullen silence.

'What?'

'About the house-matter. Maybe you can be re-sorted or something.' Sirius glared.

'Oh yeah? For your information, Mr Clever pants, I have already done that. How stupid do you think I am?'

'That's bad. Dumbledore, then? I mean, she's only the Deputy Headmistress, isn't she?' For the first time, Sirius responded not by glaring. His frown deepened slightly.

'No good. McGonagall said students were not re-sorted for any possible reason.'

'But maybe the hat made a mistake. They could at least ask it,' said Remus quickly after this first sentence which was not spoken to him in a cold, sneering voice by the other boy.

'Hm. True,' Sirius conceded, looking the boy opposite him over with an icy look, and then snapped, 'Won't work anyway. Don't you know anything? The hat is never wrong!' Remus sighed.

'Why do you want to be in Slytherin, anyway?' he asked quietly.

'Because it's the best house, obviously. And my family has been in Slytherin for generations. Gryffindors have all sorts of funny ideas about the way society should be run,' he said, and Remus recognised the sentence as one his mother always used to describe the attitudes of Slytherins.

'But Slytherins, too,' he said cautiously.

'Oh, yes? Well, what do you know about anything? And I wouldn't have to stand Muggle-borns or half-bloods in Slytherin, either,' he grunted, casting a foul look at Remus.

'But there are half-bloods in Slytherin,' said Remus sensibly.

'Rubbish.'

'Yes, there are. Severus is a half-blood.' This did not have the effect Remus had hoped for. Instead of conceding that both houses were alright, Sirius exploded, suddenly smashing his fork onto his plate so hard that he sent peas flying everywhere.

'That small slimy git? And a half-blood on top of all that! And I am stuck here!' his whole face had turned red, his eyes glaring at anyone who would dare to look at him or dared to complain about the peas they had been covered with. He was lucky that the only people in his reach were Remus, who was gingerly picking peas of his robes, and a small girl, who had looked the other direction with a scared look as she had seen Sirius' face.

'I am going to complain!' his eyes wandered over to the letter next to his plate which was decorated with peas now.

'But if there are half-bloods here and in Slytherin, then it's not too bad that you are in Gryffindor, is it?' Remus tried again. Sirius fist crashed into the table.

'Listen carefully, mudblood, I won't say it again. Blacks are not in Gryffindor!' His eyes were glittering furiously.

Remus just stared, his eyes wide. Had he just said that? He felt slightly shaky as he stood up without a comment and walked over to the other end of the table, dropping down next to James and Peter. He stared onto the empty plate in front of him with empty eyes, trying not to breathe too quickly because he could feel the emotions rising inside him. _Mudblood_, he had said. A sudden touch on his shoulder made him jump, he looked round to look into the worried, round face of Peter, whose eyes were searching his, flitting to and fro as they scanned his expression.

'Don't pay attention to the idiot,' James said loudly, glumly looking in Sirius's direction. 'He just does not know how lucky he is that he did not get into that stinking house of idiots like himself.'

'Mr Potter!' a voice cut in and Remus could see Professor McGonagall glaring at James, who recoiled slightly.

Remus was looking along the long table again at Sirius, who was reading the letter from home. He could swear he could see the shoulders of the boy shaking slightly, but he had quickly turned away from the other students and stood up to leave the hall, so he could not be sure. Still... Remus remembered that Sirius had received a letter the first weekend. He had stayed in bed, curtains stubbornly drawn, nearly all morning and Remus could have sworn he had heard him cry. Maybe it had not been homesickness after all, maybe his parents were as unimpressed about his being in this house as he was...

The hand on his shoulder patted it slightly and he looked around at Peter, who was smiling worriedly.

'James and I want to head to the library after dinner, want to come?' he said and Remus could not help smiling as he nodded.

_Ties like these form so steadily and stealthily, I had difficulties pin-pointing the exact moment of when what later was to become the friendship of me and the others began. Their friendship was very important to me, and very outspoken, later, that is. Whatever was between us was not, was it? This very absence of talking about anything makes me wonder if there was ever anything there at all. _

_It was easy to be friends with them, too, in fact, it is hard not to develop some kind of attachment to people you see every day and spend the nights and your free time with. _

_Was that the first day of a friendship between you and the other Slytherins for you?_

_I know that I have hardly seen you alone again later on, that you stuck together. Which is one of the reasons why we did not talk that often anymore... And not wanting to be alone, I stuck to Peter and James, as they did seem to accept me, more or less. _

_And was that it?_

_It was such a small event I almost had forgotten about it all, but what is life if not a succession of such small things? _

_Was that the beginning, the moment which tipped the scales, the feather falling on top of the innumerable other feathers to weigh up all that once was, to make one scale sink and the other rise in triumph? _

_Was it for you?_


	5. Common Ground

_Oh, goodness, this is really too much. I am shocked. _

_I never thought about it, but considering your state, I suppose it must happen. No one deserves this - it is just too much. I guess I know what you are thinking. I should call the kind nurse immediately, but somehow, I do not, frozen, horrified, and now, you are still in this state, while I am hovering, unable to reach a decision. I should not have come. You are a proud man, Severus, do you hate it as much as I suppose you do? You do not deserve this. It is shocking, and yet, I should have known. Let me just - _

_See? Better, is it not? I think I cannot fool either of us, can I? I would not have left you in this situation, even if I would hate you, I wouldn't have. Not another human being, not in such a situation, bereft of dignity. But is it really better? This way, I take part of your dignity away by giving it back, by helping, and only more harm can be done. It might have been more polite to just ignore it and wait for the nurse. But, the harm is done, and you must hate me. Hate this dependence on other people, hate me for being here right now, hate this situation. You always have, have you not? _

_I can only hope that in your deep sleep you have not noticed the wet sheets clinging to your back and the bodily warmth gradually getting colder and colder, and the sharp smell rising from the yellowing sheets. What would you do, were the positions exchanged? Can I know that at all? I thought I could, but I am not so certain, now. _

_Dependence, dependence. Hospitals are all about dependence, are they not? We had situations similar to this before and you were never too pleased about them, I know that for sure. You must hate hospitals. Things are not entirely over if you are still in the hospital and are cured from what was. I hated them for reasons like yours most of my life. _

_Well, you know what I am talking about, and I know you know why, and yet, I left it out of the account, did I not? It is embarrassing for me, and painful. I could make matters even and tell you something that would pain me, would embarrass me... And you would sneer, were you awake, wouldn't you? No, what am I thinking? Not after what happened later on, I must not be unfair. You would hate and despise me because I am dangerous in your eyes even now, now that you can brew the concoction to tame me. You can tame me, you realise? I am no longer dangerous. Do you realise how much this development meant to me? This question is unfair, too. Maybe it is not really proper to tell you at all, but I think you ought to know, and there was never really any time to tell you, and I am not sure you believed me when I thanked you for brewing it back then. _

_Also, there is this other thing that nags at my mind. I always blamed it for the decisions you made later on, you know? But it was very naive, I think, and foolish. _

_Funny thing, really, finding ourselves in a hospital wing together again isn't it? Alright, that was not the most appropriate things to say, but I have to say that I always rather liked the hospital wing at home in Hogwarts and I think I know that you did, too. It was a haven. It meant safety, as did the castle, it meant healing. I hope this place does for you, too. _

The first full moon had drawn nearer and nearer and Remus was starting to panic. He had been jumpy all week, but now, the night before the full moon tomorrow, was excruciating. His housemates had nearly grown worried about him, he was making such a fuss and he had to force himself to seem calm. It did not work. He had not been able to sleep at all and had started to pace the room, searching for a way to calm down his heartbeat that was as loud as drum beats in the sleepy darkness of their dormitory, chopping bits of silence into hurried moments of panic. He kept walking all night and registered suddenly the faint light filtered through the curtains and heralded dawn. His heart sank even more.

He lived through the day like a man asleep, sleepwalking from lesson to lesson and answering questions as though in a dream while the darkness that seemed to be about to fall every minute haunted him. Wind howled in the corridors and rain from a leaden sky lashed the castle. The evening drew nearer and nearer, and soon, his strange waking dream had reached the point where he made up an excuse, said he was feeling very sick - which his housemates immediately believed after his strange behaviour all day - and shuffled into the hospital wing with a racing heart.

Madam Pomfrey greeted him with a very serious expression and repeated to him the safety precautions he had already been told by both, Professor McGonagall and Professor Dumbledore. He nodded monotonously after every sentence, until she finally took him by the arm gently and led him through the dark castle, then outside, where the rain was so hard they were drenched to the skin in a minute, then to the dangerous tree they had told him about. It lashed at them and Remus screamed in fright.

Madam Pomfrey pulled him back, patted his arm to calm him down and then touched a knot at the stem of the tree with a stick, causing the tree to freeze in mid-movement. Remus stared up at the branches that only moments ago had pounded at the sky and swallowed dryly. He felt a small tug at his arm. Madam Pomfrey guided him to an entrance in the ground that ended surprisingly in a narrow tunnel underground. Remus frowned as he bent down to avoid the low celiling. Madam Pomfrey had to take great care of her head as well. Her elbows were one one level with her bent knees. In the wandlight, he could see the wooden walls that seemed to be rather new, but at the same time, the place was unreal, otherworldly, and the tunnel seemed to lead to an orcus. He looked up at her for a bit of reality and saw her stern eyes rest on his face for a moment before she turned awkwardly around and began to make her way slowly along the long corridor in front of him. He set one foot after another, following the dancing witch light of her wand, trying not to think about where this corridor might lead, not willing to picture what awaited them ahead. His parents had built a sort of small, padded cage in the cellar they had used to lock him in; this tunnel seemed to lead to the darkest dungeon. Maybe they were going to throw him into a dark cellar vault and chain him to the wall, like they did with prisoners in castles in the old days?

He felt as though he was caught in a blurred nightmare, and the strange sensation of a fever that seemed to grow stronger by the minute increased this impression even more. It clouded his mind and made it hard to concentrate on anything apart from walking, one step after hesitating step, into the darkness. The long corridor was endless, and the bent, mute figure in the nurse's robes beside him did not offer comfort anymore. Looming nearer and coming to a halt in front of them, there was a door ahead in the gloom, outlined by a rectangle of orange light. Remus swallowed dryly and looked pleadingly at Madam Pomfrey.

'Here we are, Mr Lupin,' she said gently and opened the door. He swallowed again and entered to face whatever fate awaited him - and found himself in a small house with comfortable chintz furniture and a merrily crackling fire. Remus looked around in amazement, stopping in his tracks about two steps into the house. Madam Pomfrey came in, obviously glad to be able to walk upright again and closed the door behind them. This was not at all what he had expected.

'The headmaster has ordered that you should stay in here. In fact, it will be impossible for you to break out,' she said earnestly, 'So do not worry about that.'

One look at the window, a dark rectangle with dark grey streaks among the illuminated chintz, was enough to reduce Remus to a pile of jittering nerves. It could not be long now, and the fever that filled his body and head with sickening heat confirmed this. His head was swimming. He turned his dark eyes to the nurse who was watching him in silence, and they appeared to be even darker by the light of the fire and against his pale skin. He tried to say something, but his throat was too dry.

The nurse patted his arm sternly and said, 'I will take you back to the castle in the morning, where we will treat whatever wounds you have inflicted to yourself in the night. I think I shall have to leave shortly. Do you require anything?'

Remus, heart pounding, could only shake his head. He noticed that the part of him that was usually concealed under a thick layer of self was growing more and more prominent.

'Alright, then I shall leave you now,' she said and gave him a kind look that was to conceal a worried one. She squeezed his shoulder, though, and made for the door rather hurriedly, as he noted. The door clicked shut behind her, there was the sound of retreating steps, and then he was alone in the house, winds howling in the corridor, the fire crackling loudly.

Feeling utterly miserable and sorry for himself, Remus let himself drop onto one of the pink chintz armchairs in front of the fire, and with a look around, he undressed and spread his clothes in front of the fire to allow them to dry, a strange sensation in the pit of his stomach as he realised that he was completely alone. The flames were causing strange shadows to dance across the walls of the strange, empty house. Unfamiliar noises haunted the corridor outside and Remus noticed with a pounding heart that he did not know what was waiting in the other rooms. Maybe they had sent him here to get rid of him? He curled up on the couch, arms around his knees, too scared to move for a few minutes until he had grown a little more accustomed to the strange squeaks and whistles the wind caused in the house and stopped jumping at every unfamiliar sound.

Slowly, he became aware of the other presence in his mind that had been creeping up on him all day. As always, it sent shivers down his spine. Large and sprawling, it started spreading in his brain like ink in water as soon as it appeared and Remus could feel himself drowning in the strange, wild tide as another consciousness battled and won over his own easily.

His senses were enhanced and suddenly, they were other senses, being able to note and haunt down every last being in this place by its scent, his hearing was suddenly so good that he felt deafened by a creaking floorboard nearby. Something else was growing strange and in panic, he cast his head around, as he noticed that the flickering flames were dancing their dance in dulled colours, strange yellows and blues. The world around him seemed to be drained of its colours, suddenly dull and grey-tinged. He felt his head turn, but knew it had not been his choice to do so. Panic rose and worst of all, as though someone had switched a lever inside him, something more intricate changed in him and he felt a torrent of emotions wash over him. Strange hungers, desires he had no name for, scents he wanted to pursue, strange scents wafting through the air where there had been none before - whatever was controlling his body now made his nose twitch this way and that.

Remus battled fiercely for control, panicking of being lost to this other self that had risen in him and was colonising his body. He forced his hands to stay calm where the other self had them twitching and fought the writhing strands of self in him as a blow hit him which sent him to the floor, screaming.

The last stage had arrived and his body was adjusting to the other self. His arms were painfully twisted into a new shape, his legs shortened, muscles being pressed together by such force that they seemed to be squeezed into each other, all organs in his body writhing as they changed position inside his rapidly moving belly. Remus screamed as he felt his face grow a strange appendix where his nose had been, as he suddenly was able to see something large and black an inch from where his nose had been. His hands, scrambling to hold the strange black ball, were suddenly coarse and he felt a huge scratch in his face where his claw had hit him.

Panicking, he screamed again, his entrails writhing, some of his bowels shifting like snakes in his belly and heard his voice crack, break and be replaced by other tones that were too aliens to be his. Something was tearing at him from inside and he went blind, his self being pushed back under layers of the other. Frantically trying to get back in control, he noticed that he had gone deaf and mute as well. Soon, he could not feel his limbs any longer and lost himself in the strange sleep that awaited him now. Strange pictures came descending to the surface of his self under which he was caught, strange ideas, emotions and feelings alien to his own. He contemplated them for a while, saw something tearing madly at one of the chintz cushions with great strength, and then was lost in a confusing darkness in which occasional pictures and glimpses twinkled like stars.

_You have no idea what it is like, Severus. But then, I must not be unfair. You were never the one who thought he did. I am forever grateful for the potion, Severus. That year back at Hogwarts was one of the happiest in my life in spite of everything, and I have to thank you for that. I have thanked you back then, but I doubt it appeared to be more than just politeness. _

_Thank you, Severus. _

Remus awoke with a start and blinked into blinding whiteness. He could not remember where he was; he had no idea why his mother had changed the colour of his ceiling to white from yellow over night. He wanted to say something, but only croaked.

Something bobbed into view and Madam Pomfrey's face appeared in a blurred shape over his own.

'Well, that was not as bad as I had anticipated, I have to say, Mr Lupin,' she said and gave him a stern smile. 'You had done yourself some harm, but it was nothing life threatening, as you will be glad to hear. There were some rather deep cuts in your chest and on your back, however they got there, but I have healed them and you should not feel much pain. If you do, let me know.'

'The house… the furniture...'

'Do not worry, Mr Lupin. That is all taken care of,' came another voice from the other side of his bed and he tiredly turned his head. More whiteness. He squinted up, trying to accustom his eyes to this other object and realised with widening eyes it was Professor Dumbledore.

'I will restore the wonderful armchairs to their former glory next month so that you find them in a presentable state as you require them.' Remus felt very embarrassed for having said it, he did not want to make the impression of only wanting them to be restored for his comforts.

'I am so sorry, sir, I did not want to destroy -'

'And you did not, as I understand it,' the Headmaster said. 'Hence, you are not to blame, Mr Lupin. However, I do not think I could grow accustomed to the thought of having you stay in a living room which is no really presentable state.' His eyes twinkled at Remus for a moment, and under the light of these blue eyes, Remus felt a smile grow slowly on his face.

'Thank you, sir.'

The next month he was considerably anxious about returning to the small house, and the month after that he felt actually quite cheerful, as it had grown very cold outside and he was looking forward to the fire in the house. Another of his worries had been settled as Madam Pomfrey had told him this house was quite far away from the next houses, so he did not have to worry about the amount - or kind- of noise he was making.

He was glad to have this house, as it was so much better and safer than the cage they had at home. Also, it was so much more comfortable.

Remus did not look forward to this particular aspect of returning home over the holidays. He was overjoyed to see his parents again and did not leave their arms for quite a while as they picked him up from the station, but the haunting knowledge that the end of the holidays had another transformation in store for him did not please him.

At home, life seemed to have gone on as usual. Now that he was back, he found that the strange tension that had been between his parents as he left had abated and each day was as cheerful as it used to be, although he did notice that whenever he started telling tales of what they learned at school rather than what they did in their free time, his father, usually an avid listener, would find an excuse and steal out of the room, leaving him with his mother, whose eyes always seemed to glaze over slightly when he talked about the classes and the teachers.

His grandmother called on the second day of Christmas and brought him half a dozen books on the history of magic, which was a great hobby of hers. She even treated his father with greater friendliness than usually, which was maybe the best present his mother received that Christmas.

All too soon, Christmas was over again and Remus started a sad count down to the days remaining at home- and the days remaining until he would have to be locked in in the cellar once more. His mother had bombarded him with all sorts of worried questions about his transformations at Hogwarts, but he told her the same things she had already been told in letters from him from school and in letters from Professor Dumbledore and Madam Pomfrey - that everything had gone rather well.

The evening he spent in the cage in the cellar seemed very miserable in comparison to the comfort of the chintzy cosiness of the small house. However, there was one thing that made his heart feel all warm and light as he sat in his padded cage - his father had come down to the cellar, carrying a chair and a book. Remus smiled up at him, happily. He noticed not without a certain degree of self-irony that it was a book about a magic finger by Roald Dahl and another of his books. Remus was already feeling feverish when his father's soothing, dark voice started reading, so he did not complain that he felt too old for these books, grateful he did not have to be alone.

His wounds that time were ten times worse than what he had inflicted himself in Hogwarts. He had woken up to see the worried face of his mother looming over his, and overhead, a white ceiling. She had done it again.

'Mother...?'

'Shh, darling, don't worry. You were hurt rather badly, so I took you back to Hogwarts a bit early to see Madam Pomfrey. I'm afraid you'll have to stay in bed for a few days,' she added, her eyes searching his face with concern. He had stretched out his arms and pulled her against him, breathing in the comforting scent of her hair.

'And father...?'

'He was very worried about you, Remus. But he also knows that you are bound to be alright now. He has packed you the books he started reading to you yesterday evening.'

'That was really nice.'

'Yes.'

They sat in silence for a while, his mother stroking his forehead as she did at home; suddenly Remus felt highly comfortable – there was no pain, the blanket kept his body warm from head to toe, and the cool hand of his mother on his forehead and her flowery smell made him feel absolutely secure. All too soon, however, she had to leave and Remus was left alone in the empty ward and soon drifted off into a deep, exhausted sleep.

When he woke up the next morning, he could hear that the castle was already filled with the sounds of milling steps again. Many people seemed to be about already, it must be rather late. He opened his eyes and looked around in the ward, seeing to his astonishment that the bed next to his was occupied, and as he craned his head to catch a glimpse of the sleeping face, he saw that it was Severus. A pale, very exhausted looking Severus. He must have gotten ill over the holidays, he mused.

He had not spoken to the Slytherin in a while as work had gotten harder and harder during the weeks before Christmas. As the tension between the houses increased, it had become easier just to stick to James and Peter rather than nod at a Slytherin and face death glares at the own house table. Also, they were always genuinely interested to hear things about Muggles, and even Sirius had occasionally sat and listened, albeit with absolute contempt on his face. Remus still avoided him.

The changes in the social network were strange to Remus, and he did not know if his housemates would lose interest when they felt they knew enough about muggles. Other changes were more predictable. The girl he had been working together with in class had found friends and had stopped working together with him after the holidays. Her new friends treated her with great enthusiasm, Remus could see them looking at her with admiration rather often. No wonder she had abandoned him for them. He tried to stick to his housemates and worked with them if the teachers allowed it, or alone, if they did not.

In the silence of the hospital wing, he looked around curiously for signs of what the other boy might have, but there were no telltale cures on the bedside table apart from a healing potion for general wounds and a painkiller. The boy's face was thin and very serious in his sleep; from time to time he frowned. Remus watched him for a while and then started reading his book again.

After an hour, he heard a stifled groan next to himself and looked around. Severus was awake, pressing his eyes shut, pale and exhausted, then blinked repeatedly, focusing on Remus after several attempts.

'Remus?'

'Hello, Severus. How were your holidays?' he asked, then considered it was a stupid question. Severus looked around at the hospital wing meaningfully, then frowned.

'Have you been home, too?'

'Yes.' Severus looked at him curious for a while, then seemed to shrug inwardly.

'You look bad. That is one gash you have in your face.'

'Oh, it looks worse than it is,' Remus said, blushing, hand tracing the healing reddish-brown line that led from his chin down his neck unconsciously. Severus winced and moved. The blanket covering the other boy shifted and revealed blue, black and yellowing bruises form strange patterns all over his back to Remus widening eyes. Hurriedly, Severus pulled the blanket back up, wincing again.

'How was your Christmas?' he said, his voice higher than usual. Remus blinked, focusing on the boys face again.

'Oh, alright, I suppose. Christmas Eve was not so good, though. Father was in a bit of a foul mood, but it got better towards the end of the evening. And grandma was there. Oh, and we had a great dinner, Mother did chicken with some orange, er stuff,' he replied. Severus pierced him with a searching look, then nodded.

'Our Christmas was fine, too. Mother and father had a bit of a row, but they made up because it's Christmas and everything.' Remus nodded in reply, still curious how Severus had gotten all those bruises, but too scared to ask. 'Father's been in a bit of a bad mood because of the situation at work, see? We had an argument only a few days ago,' said Severus. 'I am too clumsy, he said. Too... used to doing magic.' His eyes were glittering dangerously. Remus cast another look at the now covered bruises and imagined the reaction of his own father, would he manage to hurt himself like that.

'That's parents for you,' he said, trying to sound cheerful. 'You are sent off to a school and they blame you for learning something. My father said something along those lines too, though. One day, I tried to levitate over the teapot and it smashed onto his plate. He was really cross with me after that.' Remus frowned at the memory. He hated fighting with his father over magic. It made him feel helpless and insufficient. It was not his fault that he had to go to that school, after all. It was not his fault that he liked it so much. He saw that Severus was watching him with a strange glitter in his eyes still.

'Yes,' he whispered. 'I bet he did not like that. So... did you fight with your parents, too?'

Remus nodded, sadly. They sat in silenced for a moment, Severus giving Remus a very odd, enquiring look, but not saying anything. Remus felt a blush creep into his face slowly and looked away for a moment. Severus was still staring at him. After a moment, however, he shrugged to himself and turned to his bedside table with a wince, taking his book.

Slightly relieved, Remus did the same, but enquired politely what Severus was reading. Severus replied, not taking his eyes out of his book although it was obvious he was staring past the pages. Remus made to say some more, but then decided against it and dove into his own book.

After an hour of reading, Madam Pomfrey bustled up with a basin full of hot liquid that filled the room with the scent of warm camomile and other herbs. She pulled back the blanket on Severus' back carefully and started washing him, although he protested severely. Remus could not help staring at his bruises for a moment until very proud, hurt-looking eyes made him turn to the other direction and grab his book.

When Madam Pomfrey bustled off and the silence descended once more between the two boys he could briefly feel the eyes of the other on him. Turning to look at Severus, he saw that the other shot him a grateful look before hiding behind his own tome again. Content and glad that the other did not ask questions, he settled back to read in his own bed. A clock somewhere in the distance ticked on, but apart from this cosy, lazy sound, silence unbroken descended.

_You hated it, didn't you? Those times when she had to heal the bruises you brought from home, when you had fallen, bumped into a door, had an accident with a stray spell from your mother, were just too clumsy and tripped the bookcase? Every time she dabbed healing potion on your back? I bet you did. I wonder today why your head of house did not talk to your parents about your clumsiness earlier, but that did not exactly make it better, did it? You were away in the hospital wing for a week after those holidays. _

_As I said, I blamed it for most of your decisions, but I have the feeling that it is not that easy, and to be frank, I do not like the shapes of the thoughts that I sometimes have on the matter. _

_You must hate it now, when they come and wash you. I remember how much you hated it back then, especially when someone else was there. Your eyes seemed to burn out of your sockets, so much did you glare at everyone who dared to look. It was really a pathetic sight, your own dignity being taken away by an incident so little as being washed in a hospital, where no one can help it. _

_Why is it that you felt bereft of all dignity so quickly, and because of such small things? Did you realise how weak you were, Severus? You must have done. _

_You must have done. Of course. _

* * *

**Edit**: thanks a lot to Whitehound for pointing out the irregularities and mistakes! 


	6. Teams

_Ah, I see you are dressed. You look more like yourself when you are, although there is a strange little black spot on one of your arms. The nurse must have bumped it against something when she washed you or so. The bedstead is made of iron, after all, no wonder you'd get hurt on that one. It does look painful, wanting some healing potion, dark red as it is and darkening._

_It was something I have been wondering about, after all that happened in the war, lots of people saw you fighting on the other side and your position is still most unclear - do people come and attack you, or does the kind nurse protect you from them? I do hope there are certain security measures in place in this hospital, it would not be fair towards you, in this situation._

_I nearly would not have been alone today, you know. Tonks asked if she could come along today and it was all I could do to keep her away. She is angry with you, Severus, and the anger of a woman is not to be treated lightly. She is convinced that you work into everything maybe not as the root of all evil, but as the string which pieces together those things which stain and pain her memory and make it uncomfortable to remember what was, the faces lost along the way, never to return, and all that. She says cannot forgive you, although I have to admit that I do not see the connection between her and you. There does not really seem to be a basis for her feelings in this matter. But then, it makes no sense to hate the dead and you are alive, so here we are._

_Yes, I still call her Tonks. I know you never really got on with her, neither as student, nor as member of the Order. Well, it does not surprise me. Tonks - well, her first name is out of the question, she keeps saying, I can hardly call her Mrs Lupin, "darling" makes me feel silly, so that is the only name which remains._

_She is a wonderful, loving wife, of the kind you will never have. Well, I did not think she'd be the kind of woman I'd marry, either._

_In spite of all harmony, we had a bit of a row. She does not understand that these meetings with you are somehow my own affairs, that she, although she has fought in the war, is not really part of all this because she is not part of what was. I think she may feel slightly accusatory because I spend so much time with you instead of with the woman I love._

_Well, I love her, but I hate you more._

_No, not really. Not hate, but that emotion I feel. This needs my time at the moment, especially since I do not know if you will ever wake up again. I know when I felt this emotion for you for the first time, Severus. You are probably not interested in this, but you do not really have any other occupation at present, so I think I may safely assume that you are at liberty to listen for a while, even though that may well be the most difficult task one can ask of a teacher._

_I want to see the dynamics of this, you see, pinpoint the moments which made the ever-quick successions change direction, which turned those fluttering ifs into certainty. You see that I am worked up about this, but looking back, it does not make sense to me. Yes, I do feel rather strongly about this, and there is nothing who can help me in this matter. All the others are dead, and Minerva - she is a teacher. She has a very distorted view of the whole affair. I remember your razor wit, and wish for a moment I could you to think about this with me._

_There seems to be no reasons for thinking things like houses, house cups, points and Quidditch were so all-important- and yet, we did, we all did, fervently, passionately._

_We were all children once, and then it got out of hand._

Remus found himself spending more and more time with James and Peter, tagging along behind them more and more often, becoming their shadow at times. He did not know what to say to them and could not always join their conversation, so he contented himself with listening quietly, his eyes wandering from speaker to speaker, wondering anxiously if his silent presence annoyed them. It did not seem to, however.

Sometimes, they would be kind and ask him questions to lure him into the conversation and he would answer them with a very small voice and a smile. They were often talking about things Remus was not really interested in, such as Quidditch, but he did not mind being introduced to this new world by them and took in their opinions gladly.

Slytherin won the next match again, leaving James absolutely disconsolate and Sirius in sullen satisfaction. Somehow, he had obtained a Slytherin banner which he fixed on his bed. This time Remus had paid attention and seen that what had happened when Sirius tried to join the Slytherins supporters. The tall Slytherin boy, who happened to be the boy who had shoved him out of the train on their very first day, put his huge hands on the smaller boy's shoulders and pushed him away from the stairs leading up to the Slytherin stand, and all the Slytherins, including the first years, had laughed - even Severus, a small smile aquiver on his face.

The two tall Gryffindor boys fought daily now and spent most of their time in detention with disconsolate Professor McGonagall. The lessons the two houses had together were filled with angry tension. Potions, which they also had with the Slytherins, the atmosphere was murderous, but Professor Slughorn was able to keep them under control, but the Transfiguration and Herbology lessons especially had become a weekly ordeal. The Slytherins jeered at the Gryffindors whenever they made mistakes, James paid the same compliments to them whenever one of their ranks made a mistake. Remus always tried to sit as far away from the other boy as possible now, settling alone at the back of the classroom to avoid being made part of this display.

Sirius often also sat in the far back, if only to stay as far away from James as possible. He had grudgingly stopped complaining about Remus staying close to him and did not even laugh so often anymore when Remus made a mistake. Severus was sitting in front, on the opposite side of the door, half-hidden by the huge Slytherin.

It was especially bad after Transfiguration lessons when the half-hidden sentiments of Professor McGonagall fanned the emotions of James and Peter. She was a very strict teacher, but she did not seem to have had this position for all too long. It was all too obvious that she was on James' side in the Quidditch matter, and her complaints about his off-hand comments about the other house and team were only very half-hearted.

Remus ducked out of the classroom one particularly bad day, Professor McGonagall's voice growing raw with shouting behind him. It had ended with the entire Transfiguration room decorated with needles because instead of attempting the spell, James had at some point decided it was very effective to hurl his pincushion at the nearest Slytherin when the professor's back was turned, who had followed suit and let his pincushion attack James. Both boys were sporting many small wounds from where pins had hit them and were now being shoved out of the classroom by a furious Professor McGonagall, her face covered in angry red spots, her eyes flashing behind her glasses, who had taken points from both houses and was now giving them detention for the entire month.

The door slammed and left the corridor ringing with the sound and then with a sudden silence in which James and the Slytherin glared at each other, breath heaving, faces flushed and angry, before turning and walking down the corridor angrily, surrounded by a corona of angry tension which seemed almost visible. Remus went after them slowly as they seemed to be heading towards the Great Hall. Maybe it was over now, he thought, as he rounded a corner.

"This is all your fault, Goyle!" James hissed as soon as they were out of earshot of the Transfiguration teacher's classroom and the tall Slytherin bore down on him, cracking his knuckles.

"Watch your mouth, Potter," he rumbled, the small eyes narrowing even more until they were only icy slits.

"You are such an idiot, Potter!" came a furious voice form behind Remus and he turned to see that Sirius, who had been among the first to leave the room, was standing behind him. "Because of you, they've lost points!"

"You shut your face, too, Black!" Goyle snarled and rounded on Sirius. "Is something wrong with your brain? You are in Gryffindor, remember?" He glared.

Remus, who tried to retreat, noted that the way was blocked by James and Peter on one side, by arriving Slytherins on the other, two boys called Nott and Rosier and Severus. Severus was standing close to a wall with an impassive expression on his face, yet his black eyes were flitting over the Goyle and James, calculatingly. Remus retreated to the wall, too.

Sirius had clenched his fists walked up to the tall Slytherin, glaring. "But I should not be! Just because the hat made a stupid mistake…"

"It is never wrong, Black, and you seem to fit into that house perfectly well, you are as stupid as he is arrogant,' Goyle said, pointing at James.

"Shut up! It clearly did make a mistake, otherwise you would be in Hufflepuff, together with the other trash-" Goyle's fist disappeared in Sirius' stomach. Remus jumped, staring at Goyle in disbelief. The movement had had so much force Sirius doubled up and staggered a step backwards.

Remus felt his heart beating faster, his nerves tingling. He looked this way and that, but all ways were blocked. Sirius let out a suppressed squeal and held his stomach, punching the Goyle in turn.

"I am so glad that you idiot did not end up in my house," Goyle hissed, jumping out of the way, yet wincing when the fist hit him. "You belong in Gryffindor, together with that arrogant bastard, the squib and that Half-blood!" He flung away his school bag and grabbed one of Sirius arms, trying to turn it on his back.

Severus' face had spun round at the last remark, a strange look flitting over his face. His eyes came to rest on Remus' briefly, whose insides were churning as the attention of the onlookers was suddenly directed at him. Remus lowered his head and looked away, still looking for a possibility to get away. There was none. He pressed his back against the wall, hoping for the best.

"Oh yeah! Well, there's a slimy Half-blood in Slytherin too, isn't there?" Sirius bellowed, pointing at Severus before trying to hit Goyle again.

Remus felt guilt heaving down even more of his insides, he turned to look at Severus. The Goyle did not seem too surprised, but one of the other two boys gave him a very surprised look as Severus recoiled to the wall. Remus felt his face reddening and hot shame scouring through his stomach.

'Well, he is a better wizard than you are, that's for sure,' Goyle hissed and punched Sirius side, who winced and trod on his foot, hard. 'As are all Slytherins!'

At this, there was a bang. James had slammed his bag on the floor, shot forward and punched Goyle in the side. Another Slytherin, Rosier, Remus dimly remembered, followed suit and tried to get hold of James' rapidly moving arms, both their faces red and contorted in anger.

Peter was treading from one foot to the other, but then stepped forward and tried to get a hold on one arms of the boy who was trying to beat up James, his face flushed in red, unusual anger.

The third Slytherin boy, Nott, made a step forward and punched Peter in the side, the smaller boy doubling up and kicking out at the other Slytherin. It all happened so quickly that all he could do was watch the shapes in front of him with rapidly moving eyes. Remus felt as though he was watching an avalanche roll down a mountain and about as able to do something against it. Soon, they were a mass of entangled body parts, arms and legs flailing this way and that, heads appearing out of the knot of bodies red, eyes burning with anger and determination. Remus' eyes were wide. Inside, things were flying about heatedly, one thought chased the other in his head. Should he go for help? Should he try and separate them? Should he…

Rooted to the spot as he was, he found that he could do little. His hands were clenching and unclenching at his side, his eyes flickering over the fighters. He could see over their heads that on the other side, Severus was doing the same. He had the same impassive expression on his face, but his eyes were earnest. Remus tried to catch his eyes, but as soon as they met his, he felt heat rising inside him and blushed. He had told Sirius he was a Half-blood and one of his friends had not known. What trouble had he caused him? He tried to look as sorry as he could, but he knew that it would be impossible to spot in this situation.

'I bet you feel comfortable in his company, anyway, Goyle,' said Sirius, who had managed to get the huge boy into a headlock and was panting under the strain of keeping him in it.

'Everyone knows your family are practically squibs, and squibs and mudbloods like that slimy Snape have always gone on we-' he did not finish the sentence because his head suddenly was thrown onto his chest and both he and the Goyle toppled forward. Severus was tearing at Sirius arm now, the Goyle had freed himself and was punching Sirius in the stomach, who turned this way and that to throw off Severus.

Someone screamed with pain and Remus head shot around. He saw that Peter was pressed against the wall and was being attacked by another large Slytherin, who had just let his fist crash into his face. Blood was gushing from the Gryffindor's nose. Remus reached a decision and carefully moved closer, his nerves fluttering, ready to retreat at every step, finally grabbing hold of the tall Slytherin. Peter used the chance to punch him in the stomach and get thereby gain time to get away from the wall.

Remus had not thought about what to do behind this point and saw with widening eyes that the Slytherin turned and rounded on him now. He turned and ran, stumbling into another shape, who lounged at him. Blindly, he hit the direction of the attacker and hit something as a fist landed in his back. He suppressed a grunt and kicked the shape in front of him, panic now superseding all other emotions inside him.

He was alone, and he was being attacked by two people, and there was nothing he could do to escape as whoever was behind him now had gripped one of his arms.

In panic, he just let himself fall forward, crashing into the boy he was fighting and taking him to the ground with him. He quickly put his whole weight on him to keep him down and kicked out blindly behind him, only barely avoiding being kicked by Sirius who was still fighting Goyle next to him.

He looked around quiveringly for a way to get out of this, fear and sheer panic rising inside him and flooding his senses, turning all into a strangely blurred, reddish gloom in which he could barely make out what was going on nor think straight. Getting away was important, and not being hit by someone.

'Let go, you bastard!' someone snarled underneath him.

He did not pay attention, too busy to try and make Goyle stumble so that Peter could get away from an attack directed at the bleeding boy. An elbow hit Remus' stomach and he punched the small of the boy's back, looking around him in panic. There must be a way out. The Slytherin he was lying on struggled, again elbowing him in the side, where a red hot sensation of pain spread out into the entire region. Remus punched his side in turn, hard.

'Get off me!' the Slytherin snarled at him and Remus squeezed his arm painfully. Goyle kicked his side. James lounged at the huge Slytherin and both were crashing down beside him only seconds later, Remus only barely avoiding a flailing arm which crashed into his shoulder instead of his head, making him wince.

'Shut up, you Slytherin bastard!' he snarled, looking around quickly for a way to get out of this, all senses still clouded by the pulsating reddish gloom of the tides of panic and anger.

'Sod off!' the boy snarled, his voice as panicky as he felt. Blood was rushing in Remus' ears, the world still blurred. The boy's words were stabs in his quickly diminishing patience.

'Sod off yourself, stupid mudblood!' he punched the boy to gain some time, scrambling to his feet, but immediately stumbled again as the other boy grabbed hold of his feet. He tumbled and landed on aching knees next to his attacker, pain coursing through his body once more, the second in which he stood immobile on all fours enough for the Slytherin to get him into a headlock again. The second of struggle after that was enough for him to let his fist crash into the other's neck and hear a strange choking noise, to feel a punch in his stomach and curl up in pain.

The Slytherin pinned him to the ground and he lunged out blindly, hitting one of his black eyes which were gleaming with anger, rage and tears now as his fist left the quickly reddening eye, the pale fist shooting out in turn and meeting Remus' jaw, who managed to throw him off and pin him in turn.

'What on earth is going on in here! Have you gone _insane_! Stop it! And get up, all of you! At once! Fifty points from both Slytherin and Gryffindor for _each_ of you! Your behaviour is atrocious!'

The shouting cut through the strange blurred, red perception Remus had and surged away, leaving only immense pain over all his body and guilt and shame in the wash. He blinked. And looked around for the cause of the pain throbbing in his whole face, back and stomach region, glaring black eyes meeting his own angry look. He?

'Get off me, Lupin,' a voice hissed at him. He retreated pointedly slow and saw the other Gryffndors do the same, blackening eyes and bleeding faces masks of anger and contempt. He? How dare he!

'Off to the Hospital Wing with you! And detention for all of you! Seriously, I have never seen students behave like this before! What are you, brawling muggles!" Remus jumped, feeling suddenly strangely exposed under the glare of Professor McGonagall, whose beady eyes were burning her glasses, her face pale and quivering with rage. She now stretched out a hand and pointed to the direction of the hospital wing.

One by one, the boys woke from their daze and slowly trod into the indicated direction, glaring at the others all the while. The rage inside had not subsided. Remus could not believe Severus had punched him, and whenever his eyes met the back of Severus' black head, a new wave of anger would surge through his body, the sullen looks he received as the other boy turned his head briefly as he turned into another corridor told him that it was the same with him.

Suddenly, he felt a hand on his shoulder and turned in surprise, half getting ready for another attack.

'Thanks, mate.' Peter's voice was slightly husky and out of breath. 'For helping me back there.'

Remus turned his head. Peter, James and Sirius were next to him and looking at him with the same exhaustion and mixed emotions displayed on their faces he was feeling. He could feel a strange exhilarated smile appear on his face as he looked into Peter's warm eyes.

'Oh, not at all,' he said and felt James patting his shoulder as well, and then, to everybody's surprise, Sirius'.

'Boy, these guys are really wankers,' James said quietly, but loud enough for Rosier to hear, who turned around and glared at him, pointedly clenching one fist.

Sirius glared at James and seemed about to say something, but then his eyes narrowed, briefly locked on Goyle's back.

'Yes,' he conceded pressedly. 'They are.'

They entered the Hospital wing and were fussed over and reprimanded by a flitting Madam Pomfrey, who then ushered them to sit on different beds, treating them with potions and stern lectures one by one.

They chose opposite beds and the eight boys glared at each other with much playing of muscles and crossing of arms.

Remus could not help his eyes locking themselves into Severus' most of the time, the anger he felt at him burning his insides, but being spurred to rise even more as the other boy sneered at him.

He wanted to kick him, the hot current inside him surging up once more. He! Clouded, irrational anger. Remus could not forgive him.

_And so it begins?_

_No, but it decided certain things. And what is a beginning?_

_I do not doubt that you felt the same way about the whole matter, Severus. It was designed to end this way, I think today. There just was barely a choice for any of us, not the way things are. The new bonds which had formed with those close to us were, after all, more important than the old allies from the other side, from before entering this world, weren't they? And how could they not be? We were never really outspoken about things, and somehow I always assumed later on that I was the only one who thought that there had been some friendly feelings between us on our first day, but now I think I can hardly have been the only one. We were children. Children tend to be rather alike, and I do not doubt that your feelings on your first day were similar to mine._

_But it was so stupid, all things considered, and makes me very ashamed of both of us._

_We ought to have known better, maybe, but we did not._

_And thus, the choices were made, both sides set up, the dice thrown._

* * *

A.N.: Sorry about the long break. I've been on holidays, and after that I had a few … you could say creative differences with my beta and this chapter is sadly un-beta read. I hope the remaining mistakes are not too awful, I have read it too often to see them, I fear. 


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